Unforgivable
by Hermionewexa
Summary: An angsty Sirius in Azkaban fic. Will be four chapters long. Sirius' PoV. Chapter 3 is up! T for angstness
1. Chapter 1: Forgive and Forget

**Forgive and Forget **

I can't stop forgetting.

I can't remember you, James, just your voice, accusing me. Accusing me of betraying you, betraying Lily and Harry.

Little Harry, so innocent and unaware of the war. And now he'll never forget. Unlike me.

Yes, James, I know you had black hair. I know you had hazel eyes. I know you weren't as tall as me, and you were a great Quidditch player. Knowing isn't the same as remembering, though. Lily had red hair, didn't she? And blue eyes… or was it green? I can't remember.

I can't remember anything, any more.

No, that's a lie. I remember my family: every little detail.

I remember the time I thought I would be transferred into Slytherin.

I remember the time I nearly killed Snape and Remus wouldn't speak to me for days, weeks, maybe months… time isn't my strong point any more. It was a long time, anyway. Too long.

I remember every one of Remus' transformations, and not being able to do anything. I hated feeling so helpless.

I remember coming to your house at Halloween, and finding-

I can't even think it. Well, the first step of recovery is acceptance, isn't it?

-finding the Dark Mark, finding the house in ruins, finding you and Lily _dead, _finding Hagrid and not being allowed to take Harry. I was his godfather!

And I remember Peter blowing up a street, shouting that I had betrayed you, condemning me to however many years of Azkaban it's been now and _getting away_. He escaped, James, and I didn't do anything! I let him go! I'm hopeless. Utterly hopeless.

So they shut me up in Azkaban, minus trial, and I've been here for who knows how long. Too long.

Every single night I hear your voice, James. I hear Remus' screams as he transformed. I hear Peter screaming that I betrayed you. Every single night, and the sounds go right through me. Torture.

I'm sorry, James. Sorry that I didn't have the courage or the confidence to be your Secret-Keeper; sorry that I didn't realise Peter was the spy; sorry that I gave you and Lily and Harry to him.

Can you forgive me? I don't blame you if you don't. It was all my fault.

* * *

Thanks, S-shu, I've corrected it now. 

Thankyou to my other reviewers, too. I do love getting reviews:D


	2. Chapter 2: Full Moon Feelings

**Full Moon Feelings**

Full moon. The worst nights in my life, and they must be ten times worse for you, Remus.

I can't remember you, either. Oh, yes, I remember the transformations and the time I tried to make you a murderer. I remember the bad times, but I don't remember the good. I know they're there, all right, but I can't bring them to mind. Agony.

You think I was the traitor, don't you? Just like the rest of the world. You think I murdered Lily, James and Peter. Oh, I handed Lily and James over to Voldemort, all right. I gave them to Peter, and worse than killed them. I just wish I was guilty for the other crime. Peter, that two-timing bloodsucker. Worse than Snape. Wait till I get my hands on him.

Remus, I'm sorry. I can almost hear you howling for your pack from here. It's ripping me up from the inside. Just like you're ripping yourself up, right this moment. I can remember that.

Don't tell me it's not my fault that Lily and James are dead; it is. I was too blind to see Peter's dishonesty. I only saw what I wanted to see, and I might have been making that up. It hardly seems likely that you, Remus, were separating yourself from the rest of us. Why would you do that?

I didn't trust myself with James' life. No, that's not true. I was too scared. Ridiculous, isn't it? Me, a Gryffindor, being scared. Stupid.

That's what I was. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

I rushed in without thinking about it, just as usual. Just as I did when I nearly killed Snape. Just as I did when I went after Peter. Just as usual.

Stupid.

I know, it's my fault, but you think I was the traitor. At least James knew I wasn't. You didn't. I didn't trust you.

That's what hurts most.

Someone's screaming again. How long will it be until I start?


	3. Chapter 3: Fudge and Future Plans

**Fudge and Future Plans**

I'm too tired. I haven't slept for I-don't-know-how-long. My eyes are half shut and my body won't behave. I can barely move. Grief and exhaustion are never a good combination.

Cornelius Fudge is visiting. He's the new Minister of Magic. Well, probably not so new any more.

The other prisoners have been spreading the news that he's coming for days now, which is how I know. I've no idea how they knew. No idea at all.

There he is. Not that I care too much… wait! He's got a newspaper! Maybe it's got the date… and the crossword. God, I miss the crossword. Weird, eh?

"You finished with that?" I rasp, rather pathetically.

Fudge stares at me. That's right, I'm alive and well, and I'm actually coherent! Shock, gasp, horror!

"I miss doing the crossword," I offer as explanation.

Slowly, Fudge nods, and hands me the paper – the Daily Prophet, of course – and a cheap quill.

"'S all right." I return the quill and show him my muggle pen. Useful things. "Thanks."

Maybe I should be drooling and gurgling nonsense? Would that make him feel better?

"…You're welcome…" he's still gazing at me. What's wrong? Apart from the fact that I know who married Shakespeare?

He wanders off, _still _gaping at me over his shoulder. I ignore him, and check the date at the top of the newspaper.

_What?_ _1993? _That's impossible. It can't have been twelve whole years! That's just not possible! Unless, of course, I'm already insane.

Twelve years? No, I must be imagining it.

The picture on the front page catches my eye. I growl, deep in the back of my throat. One of the boys in the picture has a rat on his shoulder. A rat that looks suspiciously like-

Wormtail! Damnit, you creep. Damn you!

I read the article, and, considering the shock I get, it's surprising I don't have a heart attack on the spot.

Harry Potter. Harry _Potter! _James' son! At Hogwarts, unsurprisingly, but –_ohmygod_ – Wormtail's there too. I bet he's just biding his time, waiting for the right moment to take Harry to his wonderful _master_. Damndamndamndamndamnit!

What am I going to do?

No. I can't. No one's ever done it before… it's impossible…

Well, I suppose 'impossible' hasn't stood in my way before…

But it's dangerous!

So what? I'd be out of Azkaban and I'd be able to commit that one crime I was imprisoned for. I can't wait.

I could die!

I could die in Azkaban, and I'd much rather die out in the real world than in this shadow, this imitation, this torture chamber.

Yes, Peter, I'm coming, whether you're ready or not.

Whether I'm ready or not.

Are you ready to die?

Am I ready to kill?

I think I am.

Twelve years is too long. I'm coming.


	4. Chapter 4: Final Decisions

**Final Decisions**

The water's cold. Too cold. I'll die of hypothermia before I reach the shore at this rate.

Keep swimming.

My legs are numb: all four of them. Cold… my fur doesn't seem to be helping much.

Keep swimming.

I'm tired. I can't go much further. I'm going to collapse…

Keep swimming.

The water's too cold.

Keep swimming.

It's too far.

Keep swimming.

I'm going to drown.

Keep swimmi-

Ah! Land! Success!

I've escaped from Azkaban and I'm alive. Quite an achievement, eh?

* * *

I know Harry lives around here somewhere… somewhere…

Where am I again? Oh, yes, Magnolia Crescent, Surrey.

He's in on of these houses, with his aunt and uncle and cousin. I have to find him; have to see him before I start going to Hogwarts. One wish can't be that hard to grant, can it?

There's someone coming along the street. I'd better hide. Between those two buildings, maybe? Nothing'll see me in those shadows. After all, my animagus _is_ a black dog. Yeah, I'll go in there.

What the-?

Harry?

What's he doing out at a time like this? With a suitcase? Unless he's… running away? Yes! He's running away! Good on him!

He's seen me. Lit his wand and saw me. Fell backwards and almost cracked his head on the pavement. I hope I didn't scare him too much.

My god, but he looks like James. Lily's magical green eyes and Lily's cautious manner, though.

And the memories come flooding back.

Lily, James, Remus, baby Harry…

Peter.

Some things are unforgivable.


End file.
